To be honest I feel lonely. Yes I have with me my housemates but I still can't beat this loneliness. I just feel like talking to people I know.
If I feel lonely at my house, I will go into my younger sisters' room and tease them. To be honest, I do not really like it when people ask me how I could feel lonely when I have everyone around. I get it, I have a lot of siblings and I live with my parents and my grandmother but that is just how I feel. I cannot un-feel that. Maybe because those who ask have a few siblings. But I have been living with my family for almost my whole life, maybe that could explain why boredom can hit me. I have already used to this situation all the time.
Let's put that aside first.
Do you know what's the hardest part of growing up?
When you now finally see the perspective of your parents. Not just seeing on their perspective, but feel it too.
The first time I ever feel like this is when I first came to Ireland. I study far away from home.
Ever since I come to Ireland, I feel like a grown-up.
I have to pay for my own rent, bills. I have to think what to cook for myself. Think about my transportation to college. Think about groceries to buy. Allowances from my scholarship pretty much feels like monthly salary. I do not see it as luxury like what people see as.
I failed in the first few month on eating healthily. I failed miserably. For the first semester, I think I hardly touch any veggies or fruits. As a result, I have a mild anemia. Maybe that explains why I have always been panting on my way to college when I ride my bicycle. So, I thought of just walking 30 minutes everyday to college and sell my bicycle because riding just drains my energy. By the time I get to college, I already look like a dead man.
Then I thought: My mom must have been in this kind of situations before when she was growing up too. I wonder what she did in my situation. Probably, she did better.
To say that I literally can see her perspective and feel her hardship she faced, maybe that's too far. I am not married yet, not even have any child. When the first time I came to Ireland, we have an event with fellow Malaysian doctors and consultants who worked in Ireland. I have a chat with her and told her about my mom because she asked. When she heard that I told her my mom is a mother to 8 children, she told me to not look any further for a role model. The doctor is married with 2 children. She said she adore my mom.
Well, of course I can never understand. I can never understand a mom because I am not a mum, right?
But, I thank Allah so much. How He could create such a wonderful creation like a mother?
Allah created a figure such that she cares another humans more than themselves.
A figure that could put so much of their heart to another human being.
A figure that could even risk their soul for another human being.
And lastly, a human being that would devote the rest of her life, working, just for the betterment of the other human being?
And that figure is a mother.
Not only these characters Allah has bestowed on a human mother, but also in animals that not even have a wisdom or cannot do thinking!
Crazy, this clearly shows how Allah is great.
And you know what is doom?
When that sacred figure, Allah take her forever from you.
Do you know how your life would be then?
I will live the imagination to yourself.
That's why orphans are called so because they don't get the taste of the intensity from a mother's love. And to not get love from a mother is a huge thing, it could affect a child as he/she grows up.
I am not ready that day that I always imagine. That's why I always pray that I leave first. I cannot afford to see people that I love leave forever. For your information, never in my life have I ever taste the death of any close family member. So I never know the pain. What I can see from other people, that hurts a lot.
Alright, so back to the growing up part.
I imagined, if taking care of myself have been like a hell, I wonder how my mom would take care of the other 8 souls? That is a hard work. A very hard work indeed.
I wish my mom would see me get married and have my own child. So that every time I feel the hardship growing my own child, I could still thank her for the similar way she felt when she brought us up before.
When I learnt about children psychological development during my first year of medicine, I knew a few flaws that she made to educate us. And I also learned the emotional burden to a mother after giving birth. MashaAllah, I swear I never cry during any lecture in my whole life, but this one particular lecture, my tears can't help falling down.
At that time I started to realise how really hard being a mother was. And I also hated myself for sometimes takes things for granted (wait, my mom is still alive, okay).
One thing that I learned from post-natal depression is that, most of the time, a mother feel depressed after giving birth because she think she could not be a good mother for her child. MashaAllah, look how this beautiful soul put her child ahead of themselves. All the prayers that they usually made for themselves before, are all made to their children after they have them.
If this is not beautiful, I don't know what is.
(Does it makes me obvious that I am home-sick?)
No comments
Post a Comment