My Foolish Heart

One day when I was strolling in my Facebook, suddenly I got a friend request from a senior. He was 16 when I was 13.  It was awkward actually to accept his request. Suddenly, all those memory came to me, back when I was in form 1. He used to send me a lot of stuffs, more of sweets and most often letters. I never reply any of them nor I respond. The last thing he gave to me was a book, more like religious book but it was a thin one. And much easier to read. I never really read that book tho because it seems boring. Every day, I will check my mail. And that very day, I got a mail from LinkedIn that that very guy follow me too.  And I thought, wow, how super stalker he is. Super duper one...
But anyway, I accepted him in Facebook. And saw what he did in his life all this while. I thought of how could he even seek me back after about 8 years dude. Come on, move on. I don't love nor like you. I hate stalkers, yet I love to do that. I stalk my seniors who had went abroad to further their studies. It is exhilarating to know their updates. Sometimes I stalk the males, and more often the females. Until I read Tarbiyah Sentap 2, that I started to realize that what I did actually may drives me to zina mata. I know that what I did is not even haram, not even getting me to zina or may increase my syahwat but still, don't Allah ask us to lower our gaze? And don't something harus may actually be something haram?

"And tell the believing women to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts and not expose their adornment except that which [necessarily] appears thereof and to wrap [a portion of] their head covers over their chests..." (An Nur: 31)

Seriously, I may not be the best girl to talk about this. But I want you and me to try. It is best to lower our gaze right? And let us pray that together, we would be cautious in our ikhtilat.

And for now, maybe he will wonder, where is my Facebook? As a matter of fact, I have deleted each and every social media that I have, including Facebook. Now I am almost dead in boredom. Hahahaha just kidding. For now, what I did was window shopping through my phone by surfing Lazada and Carousell to fill in my supposed social media time.

Shopping stuffs

This may be run off topic but talking about stalking, I am quite amazed by how some people does not really attached to social media a.k.a does not have social medias. I actually stalk some of my seniors to know what they are up too. But some of them, don't even have them. It is supercool, at least for me. And later, I know that they are successful in their study.

I remember Dr. Amalina Che Bakri actually does not have any social medias until the last few years when the people of the internet plead her to have one. So she started up Instagram and Twitter. 

It is actually amazing to not have social medias right? Nothing to worry about. Nothing to jealous about. Nothing to judge about. No to stalking good looking people and right after that they get attached to our brain (more often celebrity). More severe, they attach to our heart where supposedly, only Allah should be attached to it. Sometimes, looking to social media manipulates our heart and that is dangerous. :(

Oh yes, talking about attaching people to our heart, I remembered that I read about usrah campur in some IPT. Like, wow, that is weird. Where the usrah is actually held between boys and girls. That is awkward dude. I knew it from the book I have mentioned to you before. But from the third sequel if I am not mistaken.

Funny, I remembered some stuffs he wrote in the book about it, in which I am totally agree. The purpose of usrah is actually to seek knowledge and place yourself nearer to Allah. But when there is opposite gender around (the girls are controlling their ayuness while the men are controlling their machoness) and you are preaching something, don't you actually expect them to respect you? Or maybe you hope that someone actually loves you for they see that you have that 'credibility'.

You don't have to lie to yourself. You know yourself better and you know what is in your heart.

I actually never experience this kind of thing before but I saw it. More severe is that when they actually start to jaulah which is when they hanging out together for the sake of "ukhuwah". Ukhuwah is something that makes you and your friend to become closer to Allah. Tell me, when hanging out with boys in terms of dakwah and what not, does that actually makes us closer to Allah or it only makes your heart and the boy's heart to be closer together? Nauzubillah, I seek refuge to Allah.

While there are a lot more people who is the same gender as you and you could dakwah them first, right?

Talking about love, there is something that hit me when I read Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed. You guys really need to have this book. Seriously, you really reclaim your heart back after you read this book. I think I might going to review this book later but I am lazy to do it.

Yasmin Mogahed said in the book, we humans are created to love something that is perfect and not temporary. But we always seek for something that is not even perfect and constant, in other words she means dunya. This scope of dunya includes our love for the person of our dream, our parents, our spouse, our kids, our cars, our grades and everything. 

That is why when the thing I mentioned above did not show the expectation that we want (such that we want them to be perfect), we will break our heart. Because we put it in a wrong place. We put our heart to something temporary while our heart longs for something that is constant and perfect.

Yes, and that makes me feel ashamed of myself. I used to have a book which I wrote poems about something that is near to me. Sometimes I write about love. Love of human beings. I feel so stupid now for hoping that he was the best for me while he is super duper not. But the best for us may turn us down too, except Allah. Allah is perfect and nothing else is perfect.

Therefore, don't ever put hope in human beings, hoping them to be what we want them to be but instead, ask it from Allah. Love them, but love them justly. (Oh yes and one more thing. Sometimes we are confused whether we are in love or not and we try to convince our self that it is. Chances are, you are not in love).

And Ustaz Adnin said, a lot of us planned to love after nikah. But do not expect our spouse to be perfect after that or even better than those who love before nikah. Because, you will still have to endure a lot of things. I am not trying to encourage you guys to love before nikah but to not fall into false assumption which has always being held that loving after nikah would be better.

Sometimes I always thought, what is the value of the marriage that it possess half of our deen. I find the answer in Yasmin Mogahed's book too, which is, marriage teaches us to be patient, persevere, enduring, creative and a lot more things. To have that traits, we need to be test on things that may test that traits. And in marriage, it tests a lot of that characteristics. You get what I mean right? That marriage actually could help to promote our value.

That is all from me. Thanks for reading. I actually want to write a lot more. That is why I want to own a vlog so I could just get to my point without draining my energy to write a long post. Stay tuned. 

*I am sorry I jumbled things up in this post. I just want to talk about a lot of things.